she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
