Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just gift wrapped bread.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
