sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
