you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
