i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
