my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize