Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
