I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
