I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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