Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize