Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
