I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize