my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
