Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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