there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
