do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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