First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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