Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
