My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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