I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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