I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
