I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
