from now on my penis is your penis
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
