the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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