I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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