hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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