My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
