dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize