My room smells like vodka and shame
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize