i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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