Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
