I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
