i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
