My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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