Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
