where am i from again
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
