when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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