1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
