tell your sister to shave her snatch
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
