Life is so much better after having sex.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
