C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
