I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
