everyone is single if you try hard enough
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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