singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
