the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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