Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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