My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
