1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
