Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
