Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
