I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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