Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
