I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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