If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
you had me at cake vodka
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
