I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
