i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
